Black Rainbows..

I feel as though I’m trapped in a city of lifeless emotions and black rainbows.
The clouds seem to shine more than the atmosphere of this place.
The smell of judgment and pain is filling my nose.
The streets are all clogged with broken images of who I am.
I’m so lost in a place I built full of people that walk by me without recognizing me.

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Untitled..

There she sat, thinking about the wrong guy all over again.
How is it possible to love two people? One more than the other, the one she was with. But the other nonetheless.
If he found about about this, he’d be furious. It was forbidden for her to have anything to do with him after all that had happened. The jealously would drive him to draw blood. She feared for his safety, but missed him more than anything.
Not having him in her life after being so dependent on him made her weak, dreary, sad.
But the weaker she got, the stronger her relationship with him got. He knew something was wrong. No matter how much she lied about being fine, he could tell she wasn’t as happy as she used to be.
She might have successfully blamed it on a lot of other believable things, but for how long?
Till she ran out of convincing reasons? Or till she couldn’t take it anymore?
She couldn’t lose him. She truly did love him.
How naive how her to want the best of both worlds just for once.
The best of two worlds that were very aware of each other, and were almost polar opposites.
One kind, caring, an asylum for her sensitivity but unable to grant her freedom and the other strong, protective but somewhat harsh on her weaknesses.
She knew what had to be done. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it.
She knew what she’d be getting into.
She didn’t want to hurt either of them, but blame her for being so helpless without either one.

Have you ever..

Have you ever felt like standing in the rain alone
with your favorite slow song playing in the background
holding his hand so tight that it’s the only sensation of warmth you can feel while your body is numbed by the ice cold raindrops
And just being open and receptive to all the emotions that are rushing through your blood like adrenaline..

Have you ever felt like just freezing the moment
stopping time for just enough moments for you to reach out and grab him
hug him so openly in front of everyone to let them know he’s yours
But the only difference being no one would know what just happened because they were frozen in time..

Have you ever felt like just getting onto that stage
grabbing the mike from the hands of whoever is up there
and just singing your heart out without caring about how you sound
Or who is watching you while you make every moment worthwhile..

Have you ever felt so lost
like just getting onto a train and letting it take you till as far as it can go
where the people are nicer and more loving
More importantly somewhere.. where nobody knows who you are..

Have you ever felt so angry about something
with someone or because of someone
that you literally feel like you are doing them a favor by inhibiting your rage from taking control of you
But only till the next time..

Have you ever just wanted to let go
and fall into the arms or hands of whatever or whoever is left to hold you
hoping that there is someone there
But not really worrying about it at all..

Have you ever cried so damn hard
that you can feel the tears coming out of your broken love
You know you need to stop because you can’t breathe properly anymore
But you can’t.. You just can’t stop..

Have you ever felt so in touch with your surroundings
that you smile at every change around you
and believe that no matter what happens
You do have a destiny to fulfill, even though you don’t really even know what it is..

Have you ever felt like just breaking away
from all your burdens and responsibilities because you have had more than enough
you don’t even care about who your decisions will affect from now on
You just have to feel free, alive, independent..

Have you ever felt so happy
that you feel as though your joy has filled you with enough energy to circle the globe a million times
that you are so light that you can fly
And you make everyone around you as happy as you are

Have you ever felt so protective
like you’re guarding something that has more value and importance than the most valuable thing on earth
and that anyone who tries to even approach it is a threat to its existence
So you behave like a shield, hiding it, protecting it..

Have you ever felt like this moment is yours
you want to cease it but you don’t know how to
yet you enjoy it more than ever
Because you feel as though, at least for right now, you own the world..

Have you ever felt so special
made to feel like you’re the only one that really matters anymore
like even your flaws are perfect and your decisions are final and pending
Like no matter what, you’re always going to be the one..

Have you ever felt love
it takes over your soul and makes you feel like you belong
it hits you harder every time you think about it, every day seems newer, every moment more cherish-able
and before you  know it you find yourself bound to someone in a way you never thought imaginable..
Ever willing to hold on..
Never wanting to let go..

Disguised Love

Love is like gravity. A strange, freeing, compromising, emotion-filled pull that keeps us grounded, but at the same time  enables us to fly high and dream openly about our most cherished fantasies. It’s like a treasure chest filled with all our favorite moments that just mesmerizes us and evades the limitations of willingness and drowns us in an ocean of moments that capture our heart and souls every second of the day. When it hits you, it lifts you up and lightens your burdens , you feel like your dancing with butterflies in a sky lit with the northern lights. You fell like flying alongside shooting stars and you feel strong enough to be able to tame even the harshest streak of lightening. Every second seems longer, but yet somehow time begins to fly past you. Even an incident that occurred a year ago seems like it caught hold of you only yesterday.
Willingness, compromise, pain hope, happiness, disappointment and thousands of the emotions fill you up to the brim and somewhere lost among these emotions, you try and find your way to the surface.

But every time you get even near the top, near even a quarter of an understanding to what you’re going through, these emotions magnify and you find yourself buried under them all over again. You find a moment filled with happiness can lift you up past the tallest mountain and in almost a split-second, when you experience pain, that very same mountain feels like its been put on dropped of your chest, not allowing you to breathe. Love calms you down and that same love hypes you up to the extent that you feel like you can outrun even light if the person you love is standing at the finish-line as your reward for winning. You feel ready to take any bullet, hit or measure of pain for that person just as long as they remain happy, safe and protected.

You are at your most vulnerable… and that’s when love comes and stabs you so sharply in your heart that you are stunned and can no longer breathe or think.

Are you Dealing With a Heartbreak?

After a trauma, your body is at its most vulnerable. Response time is critical. So you’re suddenly surrounded by people—doctors, nurses, specialists, technicians—surgery is a team sport. Everyone pushing for the finish line. Putting you back together again.

But heart-break is a trauma in and of itself, and once it’s over, the real healing begins. It’s called recovery. Recovery is not a team sport. It’s a solitary distance run. It’s long. It’s exhausting. And it’s lonely as hell.

The length of your recovery is determined by the extent of your injuries. And it’s not always successful. No matter how hard we work at it. Some wounds might never fully heal. You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living. Things may have changed too radically to ever go back to what they were. You might not even recognize yourself. It’s like you haven’t recovered anything at all. You’re a whole new person with a whole new life.

You realize that the people that surround you, and are a part of your daily life, are suddenly not the kind you’d want to spend your time with or mix with anymore. Either they remind you too much of something you’re trying to completely, or they have suddenly developed a contrasting thought process in comparison to yours. You start highlighting qualities of theirs which you never even notices anymore. You find yourself drifting away from these people in a desperate search for a new circle of people and friends to match up to your new life. To match the “New You”.

You may either become completely emotionless, and deal with like with an attitude that nothing affects you anymore or you don’t really care anymore about anything because it isn’t worth it. Or you may become extremely emotional. To the extent that anything, at the drop of the hat can make you tear up and start balling.
You won’t understand what has to be done at this stage. You’ll probably feel that this is going to last forever. That you’ve permanently changed wither into a rock, or a wreck.

Well to be honest, the best thing to do at this point is not do anything at all. Let the breakup run its course. Let everything settle down. You probably think that you can fix it right now, but you can’t. Trust me. Doing anything before the dust settles will only ensure you know down some other pillar as you can’t see where you’re going. So sit tight. Get in touch with all your feelings. Get them out of your system. Once everything has settled, which could take from a month to a year, and you both have had enough time to think, then go talk things out. If it’s love, it’s gotta last, if it didn’t last, it wasn’t love. So don’t be afraid to give yourself as much of a time out as you and your body need.

Just remember this guys. Every dark cloud has a silver lining, and the night’s always the darkest before the dawn..
Things WILL get better. They have to. 🙂

Lots of love.
Xx.

P.s- Leave a comment if you liked the post of if you generally have any comments on the topic! Thankyouuu! 😀

Ever just felt numb?

Just the other day, I was at a friends villa in one of the most beautiful places i have ever seen. She was celebrating her birthday and thus had invited everyone over.

After a long bus journey across the countryside, we finally reached the location. On reaching there, everyone spread out and started doing their own thing. Some were dancing, some were chatting, but for some reason, i found myself engulfed with a feeling of numbness, just staring into the little pond in front of me.

While gazing at the sunset over the hills around me, i started reflecting upon myself, on my life, looking back at the decisions i had made.
All the decisions i regret.
All the little happy moments that I loved.
But even though i was spending my time glancing through the various emotionally contrasting times of my life, i still felt completely emotionally numb.
There was neither a tear, nor a smile on my face.
Just an unknown feeling of realization and acceptance.

Accepting myself. Me. Accepting and becoming familiar with all those feelings i had shunned away in desperate times.

This feeling has lasted for quite a while.
I started thinking it wasn’t normal to just be so okay with everything around me.
It wasn’t normal for nothing in my surroundings to be affecting me. Nothing at all. I started panicking.

But you know what i realized, that eventually, this feeling ran its course and changed a part of me forever.
I found myself a lot more comfortable with who i was. I felt much more open. I felt free.

I don’t know what brought this on, or why it suddenly just hit me the way it did, but I started appreciating myself and loving myself a little more than i did before.. and I’m really glad it did happen. 🙂

P.s- Leave a comment if you liked the post of if you generally have any comments on the topic! Thankyouuu! 🙂

Fight. Don’t Give In..

Think of a small, dark room. A room filled with all the memories that make you feel like howling your eyes out. Memories that make you so angry, that you feel like you could kill someone. Memories that make you so sad, that you could lose track of time due to depression. Now think about what would happen, if you would get locked into that room, and someone lost the keys which were the only means through which you could get out.

Trapped in all those suffocating memories, you see moments and frames of your life which you thought you had long forgotten.  You relive moments which you wished and wished weren’t yours. You stand and watch yourself make a million wrong decisions but you can’t do anything about them. It feels like torture. The pain gets worse than open surgery without anesthesia. Undergoing that trauma all over again kills your self – confidence. You are so emotionally overcome by everything you feel and see that you can barely manage speaking a few broken-up words. You’re lost. You’re stuck. You’ve got nowhere to go.

Depression is defined as a condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life. It brings along with it feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy, severe despondency and dejection. But in reality, it’s a whole lot more.

It feels like your life has lost all meaning that it ever had. As though you’re not good enough to live, and nobody cares about you anymore. You cry for hours on end without even knowing why. Light and smiles feel like arch enemies, and the dark becomes a place where you confide in yourself. You lose your appetite and your sleep, an it feels like someone took a big chunk out of your heart.

It’s not necessary that you feel this way because someone has hurt you or anything of that sort. Sometimes it just a phase that you go through, but for those of you who get stuck in this phase for more than a month continuously, its time to break out and go see what things life has in store for you. Go smell the flowers and see the butterflies.

You must always remember that even though it might seem like not even a soul cares, there are always people who do. You will probably disagree with me out here, but i can assure you that if you just post a sad face as your status on facebook, or  tweet it out, at least 3 people will ask you if you’re okay and what happened. It might not seem like a lot, but at least 3 people kills your idea of not a soul caring.

There’s absolutely no need for you to let anything make you feel so bad. Even though you might not know the source o your depression, change the way your mind thinks. Try diverting your mind fro thinking (which is obviously making you sad ) to just processing.

You can do this by watching some episodes, listening to music, dancing, reading, etc. At first you won’t feel like it, but once you make it into a routine you will realize that the time you spend doing these things, your mid will be so busy just processing what you are doing that it wont have time to remind you of all the things that went wrong.

Stare at a blank sheet of paper. Go on, do it. Now tell me what you see. A blank, empty page right? Good. Now make that page the new beginning you desperately need. Fill it up with colors. You may even just fake it at first,  but keep going, you’ll soon see that you will start genuinely feeling happy. Do new things. Go talk to new people. Even if it means cutting a few people out of your life for a while, go do it.

Break out through the dark clouds like a glowing beam of sunshine. You owe it to yourself, and to all the people around you. 🙂

P.s- Leave a comment if you liked the post of if you generally have any comments on the topic! Thankyouuu! 🙂