Nothing’s to blame

You can’t always blame someone for the things that happen.
Sometimes, the greatest catastrophes are a result of the misfortunate union of a bad time with the wrong place.
But you can’t blame someone for the luck they are distributed, good or bad. Nobody would intentionally want anything bad to happen to them so it’s silly to think that they’d be at fault for it.

We never leave out house expecting of being stabbed while walking alone on the street in broad daylight or kidnapped while standing outside a coffees shop, if we lived trying to prophesize all our misfortunes we’d all be paranoid schizophrenics.
Which is why, we all start our day with a layout of the positive version of how we would like to spend it.

This doesn’t make us stupid, ignorant, naive or worthy of being blamed for an unforeseen attack, it just makes us human.

You can’t expect to live safely without being extra careful; the worlds too rotten a place.
You can’t expect to live blissfully while being extra careful; the world is too rotten a place.

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Waves.

A wave so high that pulls you down so low
somewhere in between you lose your hope

You try and fight it but the rides too strong
the wrong feels right and the right seems wrong

It’s so intimidating; not knowing what comes next
each time it feels new even though you’re reading the same text

The force throws you up and then soon brings you crashing down
and among all the confusion you lose your sane crown

Everyday feels like a battle that nobody seems to understand
but you know it’s a force greater than you, something oh so grand

They can’t imagine what it’d feel like having these waves pull your strings
they can’t sympathize with what a life like this brings

But you know the number of tears you’ve shed can fill the deepest ocean
and how the times it’s tossed you up high has caused only commotion

How can anyone know what it feels like when you can’t control how you feel
to some it’s a joke, to some it’s no big deal

But it governs your life, it pins you down everyday
makes you grovel in the shadows and then shines bright lights in your way

So be strong and keep in touch, show it down once more
the waves will keep on coming and soon you’ll drift ashore.

The Unsaid..

You hide because you don’t want people to see
you lie because you don’t want people to know
but deep inside you secretly wish
they could all see what you don’t show

people are right when they tell you to keep your sorrow to yourself
that the worlds a shallow place filled with people who won’t care
they all pretend to understand, just for a while
but in the end, there’s nobody but yourself left standing there.

I Challenge You.

You call me weak
so try putting on your best smile and happiest voice when someone calls you without complaining once.
I challenge you.

You call me weak
handle pain so deep, that cutting your own skin feels relieving without fearing death.
I challenge you.

You call me weak
buy a ticket onto the roller coaster ride I’ve been on for the past 3 years, without telling anyone.
I challenge you.

You call me weak
try dreaming about something killing you and silence the fear that makes you look over your shoulder.
I challenge you.

You call me weak
go to school and give it your full best by switching off your emotions and concentrating, when you can’t.
I challenge you.

You call me weak
try taking the blame for something you can’t control, all because you’re too embarrassed to tell anyone.
I challenge you.

You call me weak
try living a normal happy life, when you don’t feel normal, or happy. At all.
I challenge you.

You call me weak
try being called weak and pathetic when you know the struggle you so strongly fight everyday in silence.
I challenge you.

You call me weak
try knowing that in the end, it’s only you that will be by your side when you need someone comforting.
I challenge you.

You call me weak
try showing your vulnerability to the world in an attempt to get better while facing the judgers.
I challenge you.

Confessions

I push myself for you
to keep you happy, to see that smile on your face
you don’t seem to ever appreciate it
you probably can’t imagine how tough it is for me
to put my emotions behind your needs
you push me into a corner till I have to lie
just to get some space for my emotions
but then that fills me with guilt
which makes me feel worse
so then it’s like either I suffocate myself for you
or then I drown myself with guilt just so I can breathe
I’m so lost.
I’m so tired.
I’m so done.
But I can’t live without you.
Because in the most literal way,
I’m living for you.
So either I suffocate myself for you
or then I drown myself with guilt just so I can breathe.

Black Rainbows..

I feel as though I’m trapped in a city of lifeless emotions and black rainbows.
The clouds seem to shine more than the atmosphere of this place.
The smell of judgment and pain is filling my nose.
The streets are all clogged with broken images of who I am.
I’m so lost in a place I built full of people that walk by me without recognizing me.

Untitled..

There she sat, thinking about the wrong guy all over again.
How is it possible to love two people? One more than the other, the one she was with. But the other nonetheless.
If he found about about this, he’d be furious. It was forbidden for her to have anything to do with him after all that had happened. The jealously would drive him to draw blood. She feared for his safety, but missed him more than anything.
Not having him in her life after being so dependent on him made her weak, dreary, sad.
But the weaker she got, the stronger her relationship with him got. He knew something was wrong. No matter how much she lied about being fine, he could tell she wasn’t as happy as she used to be.
She might have successfully blamed it on a lot of other believable things, but for how long?
Till she ran out of convincing reasons? Or till she couldn’t take it anymore?
She couldn’t lose him. She truly did love him.
How naive how her to want the best of both worlds just for once.
The best of two worlds that were very aware of each other, and were almost polar opposites.
One kind, caring, an asylum for her sensitivity but unable to grant her freedom and the other strong, protective but somewhat harsh on her weaknesses.
She knew what had to be done. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it.
She knew what she’d be getting into.
She didn’t want to hurt either of them, but blame her for being so helpless without either one.

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